I have decided to start a new class for men about being the kind of husbands that won't drive your wife crazy. After all, when we are not going crazy because of you, we are sweet and attentive, we don't get "on your back" about doing things, and we actually want to spend time with you, imagine that! So really the husband is the one who wins out in the end if he would just learn and implement some basic tools. Honestly, read on, I'm not asking for much here.
Lesson #1 - In the bathroom, there is this thing that is called a toilet paper holder. It is usually situated beside or across from the toilet bowl itself. This device is not self-filling. It cannot grow arms and go under the sink, take out the next role of tissue and put it on all by itself. It actually needs your help. If you are the one that uses the last piece of toilet paper, you open the cabinet, take out a new role, (now here comes the tricky part, at least for my husband anyway, since he never seems to get farther than this and then lays it on the sink for the next person) rip off the paper, take the old roll off, throw it out, slide on the new roll and put it back on the holder. That's it, you're all done, and amazingly here is the best part, you have just stopped your wife from having to yell at you for the 498,235 time about not replacing the roll of toilet paper, which his after all what you husbands always say you want, peace and no "nagging". Now, wasn't that easy!!
Lesson #2 - Occasionally you may notice that your underwear, socks, belt, maybe even your shoes are missing, or worse yet hanging from the tree in the back yard. There is a reason for this. It is not a Poltergeist, nor has there been a tornado. It was your wife. I am now going to give you the secret to avoiding this potentially embarrassing scenario, (and yes, it could be embarrassing especially if the only tree you have to hang underwear on is in your front yard). PICK UP YOUR STUFF!! Wow, I bet you didn't know that it would be that easy. You must be so relieved to find out just how simple it is to avoid this problem. I mean, who would have thought that you could avoid not only yet again being "nagged " by your wife, but that you would also be contributing to the aesthetic feel of your home, and avoiding your neighbor John coming by wondering how your underwear ended up in his yard!
Lesson #3 - Nowadays technology has made life for everyone a little easier, and so it is as well for men. Guys, you no longer have an excuse for forgetting things like your wife's birthday, your anniversary, Mother's Day!!. With cell phones, palm pilots, blackberries and more, you could potentially have these dates stored in several different places and devices, so there is no longer a viable excuse as to why you not only didn't remember, but didn't buy anything either. So in this lesson, I will teach you how to avoid one of the biggest mistakes men make, and one of the biggest fights a couple can have. Remember her birthday!! Christmas, and Valentine's Day are easy, between everyone talking about them, and all the stores decorating for them, you know they are coming, but her birthday isn't a National event (although I think mine should be) so you need to remember on your own. So pick up your blackberry, your phone, and your palm pilot, and start entering in reminders. Three weeks before the date, two weeks before the date, one week before the date, four days before the date, etc. etc, I think you get the point. If you want to claim you just have bad memories that's fine, I'll let you have that (I don't believe it, but I'll let you have it) but with these devices now you have no excuse. So when the reminder bell goes off, go buy a gift and give it to her. Leave it on her pillow in the morning, surprise her, (believe me I would be so surprised I might not be able to awake from the shock) and you'll be very pleasantly surprised to see a very warm, and gracious woman waiting for you at the door when you come home that night.
Lesson #4 - OK, this is the last lesson for today, not the last lesson I will ever give, (so stop jumping up for joy, boys) but the last lesson for today. Now this is specifically for husbands who are also fathers. Women sort of understand, (although they are not thrilled about this I assure you), that they are responsible for a much larger percent of the child care, house care and overall daily lives of the family. Now, in some respects I don't mind this at all, I mean I love my children too much to make them spend too much time alone with their father; however there are times when the husband could help out, a little, just a touch...ok once in a blue moon?
Here's a scenario. Your wife is sick, she had been in bed for three days and finally has enough energy to go to get up and go take a shower. As she saunters out of the bedroom, still delirious from fever, she finds you in the living room, sitting in your underwear, playing video games with the children. Ok fine, at least you are keeping them occupied, and spending quality time with them, but what you apparently don't notice, and your poor sick wife does, is the pile of dirty clothes on the living room floor, the remains of something the dog ate laying on the couch, the children are still in their pajamas, and it is 2:30 in the afternoon, the shades have not been opened, the sink is full of dishes, the garbage is literally crawling out the door on its own, and you look like you have not been groomed since the late 80`s.
Now, for some reason, here is my favorite part!, when your wife starts yelling, you seem surprised! Come on now, I know you know the place is a mess, and I know you know that your wife would never keep it that way if you were sick, so why act surprised. Here` s a secret between you and me, that surprise thing just makes her even more mad than she was when see opened the back door to let the garbage escape on its own. If you're in charge, be in charge. I'm not asking you to clean the way your wife does, you cant you're a husband and not genetically able to its not your fault, but come on, you know you don't have to be that bad. So, the next time this scenario pops into your life, hopefully you will clean the house, dress the kids, maybe stop the dog from eating your wedding album, and shave once in awhile, before you sit down to play video games with your children. You will once again be amazed at how nice your wife will be to you and how you will be rewarded in the end.
Amazing, if you had only known before this you could actually stop your wife from yelling at you by doing these simple things, you could have had a peaceful marriage years ago!!
P.S. - Please guys don't send me hate mail telling me I am a female chauvinist or, that I am selling you all too short. This is a humor column, although not all of it is said in jest (ok, ok, I know, I know I can't help myself), please take it in the spirit it was written. Gentle jibes and humorous anecdotes are all that get me through the day, please I've been married almost 17 years between my two marriages, can't you cut me a little slack!!