ARTICLE FOR EXPERT PAGE - LONG ISLAND.COM
Why do most people get married - why did you? Or want to?
We did a study with hundreds of couples, married, about to get married, both first timers and second timers. Here are some of the reasons people get married:
1. Companionship/intimacy
2. Having children
3. Having a home
4. Because friends are
5. To have financial security
6. Afraid of growing old alone
7. Family expectation
Since most people get married to someone whose company they enjoy, wind up having a family, a home, intimacy is available regularly, have security, in other words all the things they believed were the reasons they wanted to get married, why do 50% of marriages fail, or worse, so many persist in an unhappy state?
At The Human Development Company we believe that there is another reason people get married - more central to personal happiness, and therefore more important to a successful marriage.
Unfortunately it is not common knowledge. Our parents, family, friends parents, never sat down and explained that marriage holds a promise beyond the obvious.
Concepts such as 'Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus' are destructive in that they direct us to try and figure out the opposite sex, as if the key was our differences.
The truth is the key to our happiness lies in our similarities, similar needs.
We often enter into marriage thinking that it is going to be the answer to all the problems and issues we faced prior. We already placed most of those issues into the 'not-to-be-opened till after death' file of our memory. Painful experiences from childhood, teenage years, young adulthood. Messages about our intelligence, capability, attractiveness, sexuality and our very existence.
We hope that getting married to a wonderful person will put the final nail into the coffin of those bad memories.
What we don't realize is that the human being is a system that attempts to reach equilibrium, homeostasis, and peace within.
Whereas during dating we do our best to forget about bad events and experiences, negative feelings and thoughts about ourselves, relationships and the opposite sex, in relationship, especially marriage, there is a natural urge to begin the healing process.
We hope, subconsciously, that this is a safe place to bring the pain to light, while consciously we ignore the need, often blaming our partner for our own inability or fear
to share painful truths.
Often we don't even have enough clarity about past events to be able to share them in a meaningful way.
For instance, I was born after World War Two. My parents were Holocaust Survivors. I didn't become aware until recently of how much pain they were in when I was a child, and the messages I received about being alive in an evil world, just waiting for the opportunity to finish the work they started.
I lived my life in fear and pain - feeling rejected by the whole world. I married a person who had very similar feelings although their source was completely different - from family problems.
These painful experiences began to surface - and an otherwise happy marriage began to sour - without either of us knowing why.
Her unexpressed childhood anger and my unexpressed victim began to surface more and more.
It took over ten years from the time of realizing something was wrong, to finally unravel both our issues, before we could even begin any sort of healing.
In the meantime we experienced a lot of frustration, antagonism and hostility - creating an unhappy environment for all.
The True Purpose of Marriage is - Healing which needs to precede Growth.
By visiting our web site at thehumandevelopmentcompany.com/marriage.html you can
begin to contemplate your marriage and the direction you would like to focus on.