My E-Mail Box Runneth Over
Commentary by Sharon Sultan Cutler
Yes, I am a major fan of Santa Claus. However, he and his North Pole crew are filling up my e-mail box every day with a flood of messages. They are sending me offers for all kinds of neat toys and "Santa letters" to deliver to my children.
I know Santa means well, but my children are 29 and 34 years old. As I delete Santa's personal e-mails to me, I can't wait to start having grandchildren. Hopefully, Mr. Claus and I might do business when that time comes!
Then, I have my bank friends sending me e-mails that there's something fishy (pfishy?) with my accounts. The only trouble is that I don't bank with any of them - and my business is none of their business.
E-mail spam is really getting to me.
I don't know how many of you receive hundreds of e-mails on a daily basis, but I do know that my "delete" finger rapidly obliterates between 300 to 400 messages daily. My fear is that this finger is becoming increasingly trigger-happy, and may force the rest of me to automatically delete all future e- mails. I truly hope that day never comes, but you just never know...
So, please don't take it personally - but I only want to get notes from friends and family. Let me share in your happy times. Tell me who's talking, fighting, marrying, divorcing, having kids or grandkids, and other juicy gossip. Remind me that I'm late again in remembering your birthday or anniversary. I must take great pleasure in feeling guilt.
Some day your e-mails may actually encourage me to jump for joy! They already bring me big smiles during my over-extended, multi-tasking, complicated days. So friends and family, you know the e-mail drill...
And I must express gratitude for e-mail messages from respectable business people who may want to do business with my business. Maybe we both can make a bit of money. That would be a nice thing.
Here's How You Can Help Me Survive the E-Mail World!
Yet, I realize that so many of you throughout the world have my best interests at heart when you e-mail me. In the long run, it just might help me open your e-mail notes if you follow a few simple requests.
At the present time, I do not want to date a handsome guy twenty years younger than me who lives in the next town. My husband would not appreciate that, although I haven't mentioned it to him yet.
I do not need any more medications than I am currently swallowing. My pill box can only hold so much. So please stop the Viagra messages, at least for my husband's sake. We are doing quite well in the romance department. But thanks for asking.
My budget can't afford Ephedrine or Hoodia, or whatever the new "medical" gurus are selling today. Keep in mind that I really don't want anything to build up my muscles or tighten my abs at this precise moment. Wrinkles might be another story...
To all my friends in Nigeria and developing nations I never know were developing, I am delighted that you are willing to share your uncles' estates with me. It's true that I could use an extra couple of million dollars, but there's just too much paperwork involved in your transactions. So thank you, but no thanks.
I know my Pay Pal and E-Bay accounts have suspicious activities that you are worried about. However, there's no need to ask me for my personal information at this time - that's why it's personal. As for my Social Security number, it is now a sacred mantra shared with only a few government officials.
I emphatically insist I do not want to repeat college ever again - even if you offer fabulously interesting online courses. My attention span is wearing thin, and I have occasional junior and senior moments. But do you, by any chance, have any internet classes on becoming an overnight millionaire - legitimately?
However, offer me free introductory teleseminars with no tricky catches about internet marketing, or advertising to baby boomers and seniors, and you just might have me eventually becoming a paying client of yours.
When you pitch me a product or service, could you just keep the e-mail to less than 55 paragraphs? I tend to get really excited because you're excited, but I have no patience to scroll down page after page. My mind, energy and scrolling finger get exhausted rapidly these days.
Maybe try 20 paragraphs next time...
Unfortunately, so many of your e-mail offers are "the best," "the most comprehensive," and "the most incredible" that it's difficult to make a decision within the 24 hour deadline of "the greatest sale on earth." I wish I were more decisive. That would make each of us happy.
In essence, I am looking for that special moment in time that my e-mail box is half-empty rather than over-filled beyond belief.
Unfortunately, that day doesn't appear to be coming very soon.
Sharon Sultan Cutler is the publisher of senior and baby boomer internet magazine http://www.MatureResources.org.
Her e-mail address (only for good comments) is firstname.lastname@example.org
She has always wanted to do stand-up comedy, but since moving to Florida, she's enjoying sit-down comedy, mostly around the pool or at community board meetings.