Well, since no one has really written me anything yet, I'll ramble on some more until one of you readers tries to stop me...
So I have a problem where no matter how great I feel about myself, I can instantaneously be removed from that confidence and immediately start taking inventory on every other girl around me. I compare how they're skinnier than me, or how their hair is longer and prettier than mine, or how they have that short petite frame I've only dreamed of - or at the very least they're not genetically built to carry around thighs like mine.
And then after I've lambasted myself and taken mental notes, I get sick. Because I actually allow myself to feel bad about myself based on what I want to be but never can be. I'm as insecure as they come, but why should I be? Sadly its because of a boy.
He's only a "friend" but still, it hard - really really hard - when we go out to watch him look at these girls, because it makes me feel bad about myself. And I know that its not him who allows me to feel bad about myself, or at least a therapist would tell me that. Its myself that allows me to feel bad about myself and the way I look. But I give him more power of influence over me than I should.
But what can you do? I honestly have grown to love myself and accept things about myself that I used to hate. I used to mask my sadness with an overly sarcastic demeanor, but now if I talk to a guy I am truly confident about who I am and what I am. Its only when I am with this friend that I get the way I do.
My friends all say I'm crazy to allow anyone to make me feel bad but there's only so much you can do. I just wish that dealing with this situation was easier. Because I shouldn't feel bad about who I am but there's that weakness in me that I think everyone has but few show.
So I guess it comes down to inner strength. I've dealt with a lot in my life and survived more than people should ever have to in a lifetime - so I know I'm strong and capable of overcoming random BS such as this, but its just hard. Because what women has never wanted to change their entire appearance physically for the happiness they always longed for?
Maybe I should go out for the next edition of FOX networks 'The Swan'...most of those women have nothing wrong with them but feel the dire need to change everything about what they look like physically. The problem I've been told is that you could look like Hedi Klum on the outside but you're still you on the inside.
And its funny too how people I know who are a size 2 or a size 0 are just as insecure about their own bodies. They think their thighs are too big, or that they have love handles or they wish they had boobs....so I always offer to trade for a day, but usually I am declined (minus the boobs part). So I know that insecurity is something that all women deal with. And personally I blame the Estrogen....