So there's this problem I have, but thankfully I guess, I know I have it. See I'll meet someone and 9 times out of 10 I'll automatically dismiss that person due to something stupid and irrelevant like their laugh is too loud, or they don't have the right hair, or they look at me a weird way.
But every once on the bluest of moons, I'll find someone. I mean I find random guys who can hold my attention for 5 minutes all the time - but rarely can I find a man who just makes me go "WOW"....its happened a total of 3 times. But the 'WOW' always ends up a 'THUD' when my heart leaps out of my chest and breaks in a million pieces.
The first two weren't that bad. But the third one, that's the tricky one.
I asked my parents when I was younger, much much younger, how they knew that they were supposed to marry each other. My mom looked at me and said "The Minute I met your father, I had a best friend. It was like we knew each other forever, and I could never imagine him not in my life" And I always thought that was sweet and simple. It made me want that - and the problem was I found it, but it didn't find me back.
See the third one feels like banging your head in to a wall repeatedly and it never changes. Sure the chemistry is there (or so you think) and the friendship is stronger than you could ever dream but there are only so many ways you can make a fool out of yourself before you just yell "ENOUGH!" And there are only so many things you can take and so many things you don't hear that make you go crazy.
Its like being the fat girl in the gym class all over again. You know everyone else can see you and what you're doing, and you know they're all laughing at you, because you feel like a fool and you probably look like one too - so you just go want to go sit on the sidelines, but you can't.
Not to say I couldn't take myself out of this game, I've had enough opportunities and enough valid reasons to do so. But just like the gym class, you keep at it because you don't want them to win. You want to prove that you were right, that whatever it was you believed in enough to keep going, is right.
Only just like my father told me many years ago, you have to know which battles to pick. And sometimes, after enough of an uphill struggle you have to wave the white flag, and accept that no matter how much you believe in something and how much it means to you, it was never what it was.
Because even with all the effort you make and all the things you do, it will never be. And thats the part that hurts more than anything. Knowing how great it is, how much there is there, but its not. Because in reality its more to you than it ever was to them. But there's never a reason that makes it hurt any less.
So now the problem is once you accept that - that the one thing and the one person you truly believed in with all your heart isn't what or who you thought they were, where do you go from there?