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For Every Season There is a Change

LongIsland.com

Ah, change. Change is hard. Change is like that alarm clock sounding off and just knowing you've got to make a move. The change here, my dear singles readers, I must admit that I am ...

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Ah, change. Change is hard. Change is like that alarm clock sounding off and just knowing you've got to make a move.

The change here, my dear singles readers, I must admit that I am no longer single. I expect this news will be met with any of these responses:

SO, Who Cares?
Good for you!
So what does this mean for US?

I'll tell you a little story of my coming together, not to get all hippy on you, but because there may be a glimmer of hope in it.

See your Fabulous Singles Expert here at LongIsland.com had been quite an expert indeed; my gals and I were exchanging Sex & The City experiences long before they were "episodes." We've spent years analyzing men, women, dating, love...aargh! Throwing our hands in the air, what is all this craziness about? Why doesn't he call? Did she really have a good time? When should we sleep together? How do I spot a commitment phobe/cheater/liar/everything you don't want to waste your time on?

Ok, I don't have all the answers. I have ideas, speculations. I have hunches, and those hunches tell me that the answers are a lot easier than we think. We just need reassurance from other people, so we have to ask. Sometimes what's right in our face is the first thing to be overlooked. The answer we don't want to hear will always be ignored.

Back to my little story, gals and gents, I really thought I was a hopeless case. I thought I was like one of those outdoor bright buzzing bulbs that would just attract stinging insects to my life forever. But that changed. Yes this is going to sound corny and granola and all that, but it's true. I took a break. I stopped thinking about men. I stopped sweating about the aging process and expected dates for marriage, pregnancy, career, etc. I fired those thoughts. I hired a new girl, a girl who was in control, self-sufficient, spending her time trying to be a better person who recognizes her flaws, and who she attracts so she could attract more positive, loving people into her life.

She simply said one day, "I love and respect myself. I like to have fun, but I also like to have pensive moments. I value family, etc, etc" and soon enough, almost as if I had won him after saying enough affirmations or meditations, he showed up in my life. He was the knight I never expected, never dared to dream of.

I waited for that other shoe to drop. But I stayed positive. And I received positive. I let go of bitter and angry and hopeless and desperate and in came acceptance, love and happiness. It's almost like an equation. You attract people into your life depending how you feel about yourself. If you're in a bad place, take a few steps back. You may find yourself with a bad guy.

This is what a Former Singleton and Soon to be Mrs. Harter have to say about Final Dating Tips:

1. Don't by shy. You don't have to be Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, but if you meet a man who seems interested in you but hasn't made a move, put it out on the table as soon as you feel comfortable. "Hey, want to get dinner sometime?" is all it takes. Super shy people use email.

2. ALWAYS COMMUNICATE. If you have difficulty communicating within the first three dates and feel like, this person doesn't get me or who is this person? Then Let It Go.

3. Everyone likes closure. Ok so you made the effort but it's been a few dates and there are no sparks. Do you owe them anything? Not really. But if they don't get the hint and keep calling you to the point where Caller ID is the center of your universe, take the damn call and be honest. "Look, I think you're a great person and a great catch but I'm feeling the friend vibe" or just nix the friends thing altogether if it's really just a lie.

(From the depths of clueless: after telling one date I felt the "friend vibe" he went on to ask one of his guy friends, what does that mean? HELLO! It ain't the Cinderella - Hot Sex and Barry White vibe, fool!)

4. BE POSITIVE. Hey you psychos out there, you know who I'm talking about. The sulky faces, the emotionally wrecked drinkers, the Angry Girl and Guy, the Stalker, the Drama King/Queen, the Whiner, the perfectionist, the Judge, the Worrywort...STOP IT ALREADY. Get your act together before deciding to go date hunting. Look yourself in the mirror and say, would I want to hang out with me? With that scowl or attitude, probably not. Lighten Up, take care of You, trust that everything is happening as it should. Stop being a control freak. And try to learn to be more accepting. It's a Drive Thru Dating generation, I swear. Step back and consider the intensely beautiful feeling of unconditional love. Remember, issues are for magazines, not people. Lose them. Carry on.

5. Conquering that fear of committment.
Oh yeah, a biggie for me with two insane parents who had the Divorce from Hell. Don't make the mistake I made and waste time doubting the possibility of long-term relationships, even sabotaging them. Chances are 1 in every 3 people who reads this comes from a divorced family. Remember, your parents got divorced, you didn't. You just got stuck with some scary views on relationships. Realize these views are your parents or based on that experience, not truly your own. The experience is done, it's over, no use in burying it up only to haunt your present relationships. Don't curse your date because your parents couldn't keep it together. It's not your bag, baby.

Let go.
Then dive in.
So simple, but the best rule in life.

I won't be no runaway bride this spring, ohhh no. I'm really doing this, kids, wish me well. It's been a blast writing these columns and if you have any questions about love, relationships, partners, family, whatever please feel free to email me!