WE KNOW THAT EVERYTHING IN THIS LIFE THAT IS IMPORTANT IS DONE IN AN ORGANIZED, THOUGHTFUL, PLANNED WAY.
USUALLY WE SEEK EDUCATION ABOUT THE TOPIC OR FIELD, LEARN FROM QUALIFIED INDIVIDUALS.
ONCE WE FINISH THE LEARNING PROCESS - WHICH INLCUDES TESTING, PRACTICING, WE START TO USE WHAT WE LEARNED.
THERE ARE POINTS OF REFERENCE WHERE WE STOP TO SEE HOW WE'RE PROGRESSING, TRY NEW THINGS IF SOMETHING ISN'T WORKING - SEEK MORE ADVICE AND GUIDANCE - EVERYTHING IS DONE THAT WAY EXCEPT RELATIONSHIPS.
NO RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL EXISTS.
Key concepts
1.People know how to be successful in life -they've done it - they just don't recognize that the same principles apply to having successful relationship
2.By helping you organize your dating and relationship
experiences in a way that becomes useful and informative - it allows you to learn and grow from them.
3.People end up with a positive attitude knowing that they can achieve relationship success vs. hoping that they can.
You all know exactly how to get what you want - you just don't know that you know - and I am going to prove it to you.
Furthermore, you will learn a simple process that you've already used in other areas of life to get you what you want, but not in relationships.
You were asked to think about an area of your life you have achieved success in - one thing that you wanted and got -
An education - marriage - career - business - home - a trip - a car - children
Good. Take a minute or two to have a clear picture of what that success was, because we'll be talking about the steps you took to achieve your success.
What did it involve?
Time?
Research?
Study?
Practice?
The last time I taught this course a participant who volunteered to work with me gave "Going to Paris" as an example of something she wanted to do, did, and was proud of it. We'll call her Maureen.
When I asked how she did it....She said..."I wanted to go so I went".
Stefan - So you had an idea about going to Paris - was it? "I will step one foot in Paris - and then leave".
Maureen - No. I wanted to go and have a great time - I heard everyone else did.
Stefan - SO you didn't just want to go, you also wanted to have great time there.
Maureen - Yes.
Stefan - In other words one day you had this thought "I want to go to Paris, have a great time, and the next morning you woke up there".
Maureen - "No".
Stefan - OK - so what happened after you had the thought?
Maureen - "I started to think about it, talked to friends, bought a book on Paris".
Stefan - And then the next day you were there.
Maureen - No. Then I went to a travel agent and she asked me a lot of questions like 1. How much I want to spend, 2. How long I want to stay, 3. What I want to do - museums, wine country, go to the Mediterranean, - and then I asked her a lot of questions.
Stefan - Great, and the next day you were there.
Maureen - NOO. Then she spent many days researching what we talked about and came up with some suggestions, an itinerary, a budget - which I then had to review, think about.
Stefan - And then you were there.
Maureen - No! Then she started to book hotels, and air travel, and tours - she laid out a whole itinerary.
Stefan - So by now you're sick of the whole thing and cancel.
Maureen - No. I approved the arrangements and gave her money.
Stefan - Whew. This sounds like the Never Ending Story - did you ever get there?
Maureen - Yes - 4 weeks after all the arrangements were finalized I went and was there for 10 days.
Stefan - Let's say she gave you terrible advice and you stayed in all the wrong places, and saw all the wrong things. What would explain that?
Maureen - She is not a good travel agent?
Stefan - Possible. Sometimes the people we ask for advice aren't able to give us the best advice. I am sure you would never go back to Paris after the disappointment - heck with it.
Maureen - Well it may take me a while to get over it - but I really want to see Paris and have a great time.
Stefan - So how would you make sure what happened didn't happen again.
Maureen - Maybe find a better, more experienced travel agent.
Stefan - OK. What else?
Maureen - Well, now I also know where to stay and not to stay, what to see, what not to see, I speak a little French - I have some experience I can use to plan my next trip.
Stefan - But that was an awful experience - why even dwell on it - why not just forget it?
Maureen - Because then I would make all the same mistakes again?
Stefan - Probably. So after all that what was your Paris experience like?
Maureen - Great. I really enjoyed myself, and I am proud of myself.
Stefan - You should be.
Maureen, what is the biggest difference between going to Paris as a goal and having a great relationship?
Maureen - The biggest difference I see is that with going to Paris I was willing to buy a book, go to a travel agent - spend time thinking, researching, planning, using an expert, etc. - doing it in an organized step by step way - I have never done that with relationships.
Stefan - Any idea why you would do it with something as relatively unimportant as a vacation, and not do it with something as important as finding a great relationship?
Maureen - I think it is because I just do what everyone else is doing - everybody plans travel - no one I know plans relationships.
Stefan - I think you may have hit the nail on the head.
We also want to reflect on the fact that just because we have a bad vacation we don't indict the whole travel industry - we chalk up the experience - perhaps learn to be more thorough - get a better travel agent - but we continue to travel with gusto and enthusiasm -
Young people throw a few pieces of clothing into a backpack and they're off. Sleep in crowded youth hostels, eat whatever, and have fun by connecting with people.
As we get a little older we want to pack the right cloths, stay in comfortable places with good service, eat good food, and are a little more stand-offish with people.
So we need to plan a lot more.
What is the analogy here, Maureen.
Maureen - Well, young people meet someone, take them at face value, if they're cute and fun and if things don't work out so what.
When we get a bit older we are looking for a source of love that is stable - relationships that don't work out get us down much easier.
Stefan - Exactly. The preparation becomes more and more important as we get more mature.